I let myself look at her and believe that SHE can do these things to me do the same things I let myself keep on believing its her not me who is real unreal unwilling willing not wanting only wanting to look at me touch my face long soft kiss sexy fuck fill me deeply willing fingers brush my cheek and neck can not stop on my knees pleading begging open my eyes to see her eyes so close to my eyes looking inside me giving my soul finally a better than good I say it once and keep repeating reason to keep looking back into her eyes so captivating deep blue seas making me cry so hard my heart is burning with raging mind melting rapid fire feelings I can't describe coming over me come to me with no labels on them no name I see no names I read that can explain to me if I should keep them call them mine I call them SHE so when I feel them and I close my eyes I see her face on top of mine and her skin so soft holds me keeping me warm like this my blanket I wrap around me this woman in my mind SHE is the keeper keeping me safe replacing the feelings bad sick slowly gently killing me that took my life away and lived it lonely loveless and OK with it for so long watching from under down below my bed blaming sadness guilt its my fault don't know me I'm not anyone worth knowing tearing myself down every hour on the hour so I don't forget why I am so fucking scared to love let anyone close enough to love me show and know myself I stopped recognizing who I saw staring at me from the mirror in front of me hating this me I was becoming and being with no love to give to myself allow myself to be loved by those among the living letting myself die day by day doing nothing and feeling no one near so far away can't see my chest move am I still breathing should I even bother I turned into a nothing disappearing so no one would see me finally the feelings I knew I could still one by one name them by their names calling them to come to me come be with me make me worse not better fucked up feelings but what I heard was only my voice screaming they did not listen they never do and in the silence of my slow death finally feeling no more rolling down my cheeks my tears no more this something in me stopped all the tears I was always crying day after day all of the blaming pointing my finger at everyone but me the only person who should have seen that it was me I should be blaming not blaming giving up giving in if your not crying you can't be happy they go together they feed each other ignite desire in me to stand up stay up on my own holding hands with her forever and for always looking into her eyes letting her love me like I love her believe this understand this and know this when I say this SHE is me I am her SHE is in my head I made her myself up to obsess on her to understand me find her in my mind give me give her hope SHE gives me hope so much of my obsession finally I don't want to keep on walking crawling curling up into my corner no longer do I want me to be like me I want her don't want her or anyone else not even me to see that I am the one who is doing all the doing my lips against her fingertips feeling these feelings I am SHE is feeling and my mouth calls out the name I call her the name I have given to this strange obsession of hope I found created and I am going to call her mine and keep her to myself I feel alive different from dying again I am breathing without thinking I love to blame this name that was given to me my birth rebirth I blindly look into her eyes this time yes every time I see her eyes OK yes I fucking confess before I look I hope obsess that each next time I look I will find that SHE is staring back my eyes her eyes piercing my heart SHE makes me cry her eyes so familiar unexplainable what they say to me endlessly in my ear the voice inside my head her eyes are whispering lullabies screaming asking yelling telling verses that engage me captivate me and see in my eyes hope my tears fall for her for me for giving me this will to move on obsession hope obsession strength courage obsession faith in life love her SHE can is will always be my honesty I see today tomorrow promises SHE made to me now in a grave ash in the wind under the sea sinking all the promises I want to make are broken before I make them won't stop haunting me yesterday SHE took away from me my future is her past my past SHE injected me the power in her gave to me the shades are drawn I close the door again SHE coursing through over every inch of my skin electrifying I call her name hear my own name echoes in my head her eyes and mine not blinking I cry and know that for all the crying I can I am I will again be the SHE me I was meant to be to have hold call my own protect and keep me safe will one day be once again happy so I will let her myself let her eyes see me want me want her kiss me touch me one by one giving new names to these feelings I never had before and call them SHE so lovely is SHE in this mind of mine I will keep her there next to my fears keep her in my eyes with my tears in the mirror I see her its me looking back at me and so I look in my own eyes and see my obsession hope and embrace myself SHE holds me looks at my heart SHE gave this back to me my life by wiping away my tears showing me these other feelings overflowing take controlling me lustful fuck me thoughts infected mind making her and her eyes only be the reason I can hope again want more of me to go on living instead of dying letting myself fall into this grave of mine I am hardcore love stay away from me her all my self loathing not worth knowing give me one good reason to go on living and so I did and I picked her SHE picked me to be my hope and my obsession give her me a face with eyes that pierce me sharply deeply fucked up inside my mind deep within me stir so many feelings I killed what survived in me when SHE was killed a bullet to the head her husband my father aimed a rifle from the bed tragedy homicide shocking crushing disbelief suicide fucking coward you would agree and I am not was not willing to share my hiding heartbreak intense and cryptic sickness please keep my past my life from seething me sharing my air I can't stop all this breathing no longer sitting still for days staring painting my ceiling Sistine beauty I'm so thankful for my everlasting strong in and out of control imagination always breeding in me thoughts that keep on giving taking giving me reason after reason to claw my way up from down under Hell's Gate I give up fuck off leave me alone I am want don't want to be alone so normal so irrational don't look at me my eyes are closed I'm not worth seeing I won't look and you can't make me I'm a monster I'm not crazy but no matter over mind my mind control I have over me it doesn't matter SHE can still see me sees me even when no matter how hard I look or long I stare I can't see me knowing SHE is looking at me fills me up with fears makes me cry welcome tears from deep inside somewhere I cry tears hot streaming painted on my cheeks I see her and a glimpse into her eyes even as they are lifeless and unblinking telling all so truthfully lying really well pretending I feel my heart unknown emotions lightening strikes all at once hammering my head pounding my body into her ground fucking this lust in me feeding my obsessed my hope nerve endings feeling myself in her SHE in me I am feeling her scared unfamiliar feelings I know I never had for me SHE ever had to ever give to me I took from her stealing strange feelings I steal from her really stealing all the feelings I want hope for me SHE is feeling everything I took from her were really only my own feelings I made them all up in my head secretly slipped them in her pocket so I could take them from her tell myself they were always hers not mine never give up in front of her I want my life I gave up then now I think I know SHE is a lovely honest giving graceful beautiful caring daring once in a lifetime woman creature a divinely captivating obsession SHE may be crazy baby that is me I am SHE is me I can not wait to get to know her love her find her touch her face hold her hand in mine for my eternity or just as long as I live this life SHE is after all the perfect one who gave me life to me a precious gift of self discovery so here I am can't move or blink not brave not scared twisted brain for how can a creature dead brought to life inside my head I make believed take hard strong hold remote control of me make me want and hope and dream get up and live and do it just for me obsessed me given hope by recurring lucid nightmare dreams I dream can almost touch see smell retell I won't tell when her eyes pierce me sharply deep between the moment I fall asleep and when I wake heart empty full want to live to die so powerful is just a glance crazy is the hope that chokes that picks me up on level feet to stand once more again not a bird am I will never fly but her obsession painted Picasso on my eyes and her fault affected me so I dance my life tomorrow her hand in mine today my feet on air in my heart I feel her beating inside of me when I look up my eyes do cry for her is me I see no angel no wings just me so strange my face no pain my heart in plain view for all to see but hidden from you until you read this what I wrote this hope has found you know nothing more about me than you did when you began reading this my fucking thoughts this bullshit hope has found a home inside my chest I keep it warm SHE remains in me and fills my head with light and darkness ripped to shreds keeping me her SHE from seeing being my obsession my imagination I adore this gift of mine my mind intense fuck you fuck me I won't hold back what is inside for you for me the precious feelings hurting I am not you are not unique in this get over it quit your fucking whining and your complaining echoes in my head its very tiring trying I am as always I keep the screaming quiet whispers you hear but I'm still screaming no one but me and her will ever know the sound of a dying soul that goes on living in me everyday I try so fucking hard to forget forgot my every fucked up yesterday I can see tomorrow only so I never have to live in my today I soar on these four winds of my own making my mind will always take me to those places where I know peace and love and comfort silence finally in my head there is no more screaming in this place where I belong no one can hurt me I am strong no one can hurt me I am wrong no one can hurt me SHE is forever this doesn't hurt me SHE is never gone unbroken heart again is beating I am me I'm not alone SHE is always there SHE is still with me I see her eyes SHE is always here somewhere inside me I hear her breathing when SHE is near my HEART stops beating SHE looks into the mirror and every fucking time I look SHE disappears because SHE is dead now SHE is me I close my eyes don't need to see every single tear I feel them fall each and every one because I'm still here and SHE is gone

I miss you Mom